Weight Watchers (The Watermelon)

* My 2nd full week of WW. I've gotten WAY better at the points things.

* Still no activity though. I promise to start that... at some point.

* Because I lost 4 lbs last week, WW was kind enough to recalculate my daily point allowance to 27 instead of 28. Yeah. Thanks.

* We have another member of the WW family!!! Yay!! Princess from The Princess Diaries

So, how did I get here?

... I don't remember the first time I rode a bike without training wheels, in my mind, I just never had training wheels.

I don't remember when I was saved, God has just always been in my heart and I've just grown up praying everyday.

I don't remember the first time I saw Paul, my hubby, because I knew him back in high school but we didn't run in the same circles back then. I just know when I saw him years later, I was like, "Hey! I know you!"

But I do remember the first time I knew I had a problem with eating.

I was about 10-ish. There was this big ol' piece of watermelon in the fridge. I would say almost half, but not exactly half. I asked my mom if I could have it and she said that I could cut a piece for myself and I told her that I didn't want to cut a piece, I wanted the whole thing. She told me that I needed to learn self control when it came to eating.

Well.

I ate the whole piece of watermelon without telling my mom (like she wouldn't notice it all gone! but, hey I was 10 so give me a break!) and I knew it was wrong. I knew that I was eating more than I should. But I did it anyway.

And thus began my relationship with eating food just because I wanted it and not because I needed it and then feeling mega guilty after.

I have never forgotten that moment and I wonder, "Had I listened to my mom that day and just ate a piece of THAT watermelon would I still be fat today?"

PS- Happy 4th of July!!

Friends

Here's a quickie...

I have the most amazing friends and blog readers. I really do.

I forget that sometimes.

I forget that I have a ton to be thankful for. I think those moments can be chalked up to this thing they call "PMS"??? So, just mark your calenders and during this time each month, just prepare yourself for a "woe is me" type posty post. Hey, I'm just giving you a heads up. You're welcome.

Thanks to each of you for listening to me rant and rave and "get it off my chest" .... a million thank you's wouldn't be enough.

This is me -- falling apart

Today is a day full of doubt.

I am doubting myself as wife, mom, employee, and everything and anything else you can think of.

I weighed myself tonight and I've only lost two pounds since last Friday making me think, "Damn. Am I ever gonna loose this weight?" I know, I know, it takes time... but I was expecting more than two pounds. Maybe in the morning - my actual weigh in day- I will have lost a few pounds in my sleep.

I'm not sure about this mom thing... Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than all the candy in the world, but am I the right mom for them? I'm so drained these days I just feel like I don't have much to offer them anymore. I'm just a big fat mess of a blob for my kids instead of being a mom. They deserve much more.

I'm so drained from trying to find a new house to move into and not getting the results I am wishing for. I am so desperately trying to make life better for myself, my husband and my kids and I'm getting nowhere, no breaks, no nothing. I find a house that is perfect, but then it's not in the right school district or it's just more money than I want to spend. Spending more than we could afford for a house is what got into this mess and I'm not budging on what we can and cannot spend on a house. Just not gonna do it. And that process has me all stressed out because I've been "hitting the payment" everyday for months and nothing. Nada. Nothing that just fits what we need.

Here is where I must get a bit cryptic ...

There is one other issue in my life that is causing me to go to my breaking point. All I can say is that I'm doing the best I can and I'm deathly scared that my best just isn't good enough. Maybe I can't handle it .... and if I can't. Then what?

And that concludes the cryptic part of this post.

My hubby, my dear hubby. He is having to carry a heavy load these days and I'm not much help. The worries of work, money, houses, the guilt I'm carrying over my kids and blah, blah, blah, snore, is just making me a total wreck in the wife department. He is having to play housewife while I can't these days and that makes me feel like I'm just failing in yet another department in my life.

There are just no easy answers. No easy fixes. Everything is hard and takes time and some things are just out of my control and I hate it. I just down right hate it right now.

Sleep Paralysis - A Bedtime Story

I was taking a nap on Sunday.

I woke up from nap and I was unable to move.

At. All.

I couldn't speak.

To even try to open my eyes took everything I had.

My body was all tingly.

Yet I was not able to move at all.

Absolutely 100% frozen in every way except for my mind.

I knew exactly what this was as I had experienced this before. This happened almost exactly one year to the day from the last time it happened (I know this from doing a quick search on blog not because I remember the date). I'm not sure what that is all about. Something about June 20-ish maybe? Did I do something in a past life around this date that was really bad?

Anyway....

I'm laying there in my bed and I CAN. NOT. move. AT. ALL.

Just frozen.

I could hear Paul and the kids in the background and I was trying with all my might to scream, "Help" to the point my throat was straining as if I was actually screaming. But my mouth wasn't moving. No sound. Nothing. I was stuck. I couldn't move my hands. My feet. Nothing. I couldn't do anything. Just kept trying to move.

My heart started racing because what if "I'm forever stuck like this?" in this, "I can hear you, I just can't respond" thing. My family would never know... they would think I'm in some form of a coma type state or something like that. And then my heart started racing even more.

I kept thinking, "Don't freak Janelle, it's just another episode of Sleep Paralysis and everything will be ok in just a few." But when you're **in** the moment, all reason goes all out the window and you are sure this time "it's different." Much like panic attacks. I don't know about you, but when I get a panic attack, I'm sure "This time IS THE time I really AM having a heart attack and I am going to die because this can't just be a panic attack. I am going to die right here. Right now. Crap. I can't leave my kids yet!"

Well, I sit here today and of course I'm moving just fine. BUT I have made an appointment with my doctor because even though WebMD and YouTube tells me that it's nothing for me to worry about, I will feel much better having my doctor tell me this.

Pssst... I'm not really here today

I'm guest posting for the awesome Cissa today.

Wanna tell me your "love story?" Then go here!