Baby Talk

So, I’ll share a secret with you. I want another baby. I really, really, really want another baby. I just don’t think I have met all my children yet. I know we have one more out there waiting for us. However, the checkbook/saving account says “You’re done! Stop talking this nonsense!”
When I was much, much younger I pictured having a boy and girl, two years apart. The boy, of course, would be older as to “protect” his little sister. Well, that did not happen.
When I had Autumn, and her 2nd birthday came and went I thought, “This is it.” She is all I will ever have and it’s me and her against the world. We were a team more than mother and daughter. She was learning how this parenting gig works just like I was. Then… I became pregnant with Emily. Autumn was 3 years old when Emily was born, just two months shy of turning 4. Emily is now 4 and a few months from turning 5. We are less than a year from being FREE from our second mortgage or as you might call it, daycare.
I imagine a life with my kids old enough to “kinda be on their own” in that kid kinda way… you know… they can ride their bikes without me watching them like a hawk. Letting them explore our neighborhood the way I explored mine with I was little. I picture them being old enough to know how to clean their rooms, vacuum, load the dishwasher, do laundry… all the things I hate doing. No it’s not slave labor and don’t say that to me again! ...I plan on paying them.

What I can’t picture is having another baby keeping me up all night with the endless crying. Oh, the endless crying… all the money on diapers, baby food, and the daycare. Oh the daycare cost. That is roughly $22,000.00 +/- for. just. the. daycare. I can’t picture going through that. Again.
But I can’t picture not having another little one. I can’t imagine my world without holding another one of my children. I know for a fact that when I’m 80 years old and looking at my family photo album on my new awesome cell phone- because no matter how old I am, I will always want the latest, I am suppose to be sitting next to Paul with Autumn on one side, Emily on the other and our next child behind us. I know this just as much as I know I’m sitting here typing this post. However, I honestly do not know if it’s in the cards for us.
I know, I know, you can’t not have a child because you don’t have the money. That is what they say… well “they” aren’t going to step up and make sure all our needs are met when having this third child. Of course money plays a part in it, especially when you have two and KNOW how much money they cost! I’m not in the dark anymore and I would go into this decision will all the knowledge one can have on this topic.
So, will I ever meet my third child? I don’t know. People say you don’t have to make a decision now. You can wait years before making that decision…. True. But I think with each passing year and not having the expense of another child and being able to take that $22,000.00 and go on vacations with my current family members and do stuff for my today family… I think with each passing year it will just get harder and harder to say, “Let’s have that third child.” I will find comfort in knowing that Paul and I are ever closer to being able to go out again and the kids can watch themselves )I know we are still years away from that, but still). I know that it will be fun to take that extra money that we spend each month on daycare and have some fun with it. I know these things… yet I know I’m supposed to have another baby… or is the want just so big?