Be Thankful That I Had It or Be Sad That I Lost It?

Ok, so this might get a little mushy and depressing. Just letting you know up front so that if you want to click the red X in the corner of your screen, by all means, have at it....

Ok, so you hardcore fans you stuck around, thanks!

This time last week I was among my newest and bestest friends in the great state of Florida! I was sure that I would form lifelong friendships and life would be grand forever and ever and ever.

Sadly though, I feel more disconnected than ever before. Yep, here we go again.... just know that I'm *sighing* with you. I too am tired of this, even more than you. I swear!

This isn't a woe is me post and I don't want folks to come out of the woodwork leaving comments of, "it'll get better" and blah, blah, blah... if you don't normally leave a comment, then don't feel as if you have to today.

This isn't a pity post. This is a reality post. A reality check if you will.

Ok, I'm gonna be completely honest with you guys.... I have zero life. My husband works nights. I have two kids and nobody to baby-sit. My life is what happens on this computer and my blackberry. I hope one day when the kids get older I too can venture back out into the world and make "real friends" but for now, this is all I have. You are all I have.

I have my friends at work and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But there is a line I'm not willing to cross with people at work... I kinda like just knowing them from work because then I don’t get caught up in the drama that goes on outside of work. I can walk in my building everyday knowing full well that they won't be saying, "So, you'd hear what Janelle did last night?"

There have been some friends at work I could see myself hanging out with, but again, I like having that line drawn in the sand between me and them.

So, here I sit. Night after night, just you, me and whatever is on TV. I play with the kiddos or yell, whichever mood hits me for the evening and call it a night and sometimes go to church.

I want something more.

I have this burning inside me that feels like I'm just grasping at the air around me wondering, "What the hell am I doing here? Is this truly as good as it is ever gonna get for me?"

I went to Florida with the hopes of finding what I was looking for. My reflection in someone else. My need to connect with other people that understand me. I left feeling assured that I had found what I went in search of and yet I sit here, a week later feeling even worse than before.

70% of me wants to hang up this blogging thing. I will just never find what I'm looking for because I don't even know what it is that I'm looking for. I'm crazy to think that I could find friends through the crazy maze we call bloggerland. But then I keep going back... I keep pulling up my account and typing away. I keep refreshing twitter on my phone to see if anyone does the @pipper7600 thing... I so badly want to walk away from it all because it just can't give me what I want it to give me, yet I stay day after day with the hopes that this day will be different. This is the day that "they" whoever "they" are will finally "get me."

The truth, I lost my best friend a few years ago. No sense in rehashing the entire story, but in short, he was my best friend since 6th grade and passed a few years ago. The year I started gaining all this weight oddly enough. I'm sure there is some massive connection, but I don't really care about that. I was always cubby, then lost a lot of weight (my senior year I was a size 4!) then found out about my friend passing away and the weight just magically appeared.

This past year, I lost my #1 fan. My grandpa. There are no words other than he was my #1 fan and I was his. I grew up being raised by a single mom so my grandpa just was always there for me the way he knew he had to be.

I find myself getting pissed at other people when they talk about "their grandpa." I want mine back. I want to scream that I loved my grandpa way more than they love theirs, but that is just silly. You can't compare love. It's just I want the world to suffer with me. I lost my grandpa so I think EVERYONE should loose their grandpa's too. How sick is that of me to think? I know.

My grandpa was by far my biggest supporter. Had he been here, he would have loved that I was going to Florida. He wouldn't have made me feel like the worse parent on earth for leaving my kids on Halloween like my mom did. My grandpa would have been proud of me and would have told my mom to "get over it" in some way. Every girl should be so lucky to have a grandpa like mine.

But back to the issue at hand... I guess I'm looking for someone or something to fill the void that was left not just when my grandpa passed, but when my friend passed as well.

Yes, I have a husband and oh my goodness, he is the best a girl could as for. He loves me so freakin' much and puts up with ME! Not easy!! But just like when your mom tells you that you look pretty because she has to tell you that because she's your mom. My hubby tells me that I'm his best friend and all that, but he still has his guy friends that he gets to hang out with and I have nobody it seems to fill that void in my life.

I just want my best friend back and my grandpa back. The two people that could see right through me and could still make me feel like I was something better than I really was. My hubby tries, oh my goodness does he try and I will love him forever because of it. But there is void just Right. There.

Ok, am I making any kind of sense? I have jumped all over the map tonight, haven't I?

I've read that sometimes you need to step away and then when you return you will find was really there all along without the "glitter" to get in the way. I'm thinking of doing that with my blog and with twitter. Stepping away.

I don't know if or when I'll ever really do that. But it's a thought that I keep repeating in my mind that I need to let it go for a while... I'm not gonna find someone to replace my best friend that I lost or the feeling my grandpa gave me when I walked into a room knowing that he was #1 fan. Those days seem to be gone forever and that saddens me beyond belief. BUT I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to say, "I will never have another best friend like that one or I will never have another #1 fan (besides my hubby and kids)" But sadly, the "better part of me" says that I may never find another person to fill the void and to just stop looking. I had something special for a time and be thankful that I had it, not sad that I lost it.

When I get sad, this is one of my favorite songs to listen to, not sure why, it just is.